Astounding Undergarments

I visited a very lonely JC Penney’s yesterday. The thing I love about department stores is how old-fashioned they seem. Can you imagine getting your watch fixed at Wal-Mart? Your hair permed at Target? A proper fitting for, ahem, ladies undergarments at a K-Mart?

But places like JC Penney have all of that. Stepping into such a place can seem as if the 60’s never happened, particularly in the lingerie department.

Ok: if you’re going to be squeamish about it, you can just stop reading here. Yes, I’m going to discuss underwear. But not _my_ underwear. My underwear isn’t anywhere near as extraordinary as what I’m about to show you. Oh no.

In the lingerie department lurks a woman who has had passed down to her the Old Knowledge. The lore of those things that make the women in the old movies and TV shows look strangely precise, like a line drawing.

They don’t only know how to fit you for one of those conical, put-your-eye-out bras, but for things that might cover almost your _entire body._

We’ll start simply, with what is called a long-line bra:


They say that the support is supposed to come from below, from the band. This carries that principle to its logical extreme, while simultaneously guaranteeing that the wearer will be unable to breathe unless she possess an hourglass figure.

Rising up to meet the long line is the “Body Briefer”:


This extraordinary undergarment is supposed to provide back support, correct posture, and “tummy control”.

If that doesn’t cover quite enough of you, there is a wide array of body briefers that cover ever-increasing amounts of you:


Now– imagine a North Carolina summer. Imagine wearing such a thing. Imagine wearing a layer of clothing _over_ it as well. Oops, I just passed out from heat exhaustion.

You can see where this is going. Yes, they have girdles:


But I think you didn’t see this one coming…


Its purpose is quite the opposite of a girdle.