friday night

tickets found:

2/24/89 – “1000 airplanes on the roof,”: Duke

2/16/89 – Al Green

4/4/90 – something at the Artscenter

7/1/?? – Royal Crescent Mob

1/24/91 – “breaking away,”: duke bryan center

11/8/90 – “in cold blood,”: bryan center with jonathan

11/?/90 – “metropolitan,”: the varsity

1/5/91 – “l’amie de mon amie,”: art museum

11/27/90 – “8 1/2”: – duke

4/2/91 – “cyrano de bergerac,”: varsity

3/24/91 – a room of one’s own, lamb’s theater, 130 w. 44th st, nyc

4/26/91 – morthiam drums of fire, the palace international, 117 w. parrish st, durham

3/3/91 – “sleeping with the enemy”:

12/16/90 – “edward scissorhands”:

6/20/90 – “back to the future III”:

12/26/90 – “godfather III”:

2/17/91 – “la story”:

6/30/90 – “betsy’s wedding”:

5/10/90 – “mountains of the moon”:

i could have gone out tonight, but i really didn’t want to. i should have though, because tonight is the night my neighbors spend a couple of hours singing tunelessly to the slow jamz in their head, out on the side porch. good times.

don’t ask me why, i just never feel like going out any more, except sometimes out to dinner.

good times

no, really. i got seven whole, consecutive hours of sleep, did Stuff, then saw the ‘Serenity’ movie with s. and hip friends of her from work. the movie was _great._ i definitely want to see it again.

afterwards, my first trip to federal in some weeks. oh, how i missed thee federal. i’m going back on tuesday. i tried the ruben; i’ve never had one before. it didn’t hold a candle to the sauerkraut-based sandwich i was developing at the long lost main st. cafe in downtown durham some years ago. this was back in my no-dead-animal-flesh days. it was: swiss, extremely thin, lengthwise slices of cucumber, mayo, and kraut. it was good. i probably got it on sourdough or rye. well, now i know what a ruben tastes like, sort of. i bet there are better rubens, though.

aaaanyway. like i said, good times.


Saturday, October 29th – Halloween party at the Charming English Cottage of Death.

Costumes optional. Zombies welcome. The music will be _vastly improved_ over previous years. You might even want to dance to it.

You’re invited. If I actually know you, you’ll be getting an email. But even if you’re a blurker, you’re invited. Might want to let me know you’re coming, though.


it was beyond logical. it was inevitable. a styrofoam cooler, filled with loco-pops, floating in xta’s pool.

i cursed the cool weather that made the pool less than completely habitable. me! curse cool weather!

nevertheless, now i feel very relaxed, the way i remember feeling after an afternoon swimming when i was a kid. kind of prune-ey in the fingertips, my hair kind of clumpy and damp.

i do honor the deliciously cool weather with the scent of cherries and cloves smeared on my wrists.

grandma went to a rock show last night and boy does she feel old

yup yup yup. it was one of those “out of the woodwork” shows, wherein everyone comes out of the woodwork, and says, “hey, there’s so and so.”

and so, there was so and so. and him and her and that one. that was pretty fun.

upon reflection this morning, i realized that an old acquaintance of mine is totally annoying. he was too busy being mean to the cute guy i’ve seen all over friendster and nerve to introduce us. and he was really being mean, too! honestly.

after the always-entertaining wusses, i told pj that, although i enjoy this sort of thing, it makes me miss the days when i would go out to see _totally fucked up shit._ the kind of show where it was me and twelve guys and no one talked to each other because we were all a bunch of social misfits. the kind of show where i would have been ashamed to show up a nicely accessorized, flattering outfit. (no wonder i dressed the way i did back then.) and the music was really interesting.

and yeah, i know nightlight often has stuff like that. and i’m romanticizing the part about how _everyone_ was a social misfit and no one talked to each other.

so anyway. it just made it clear that i need to go to more shows, things that are not already well-known to me. i have been lax in this regard.


i’ve been on a bit of a tvland kick lately. i started with the munsters, but although the theme song really cooks, and herman munster kind of looks like a half-dead version of my grandfather, really the addams family is entirely superior. the writing is actually funny, and morticia addams’ fashion sense completely trumps that of lily munster.

green acres just makes me angry with its utter stupidity, but bewitched is ok on a sunday morning. except for all the God commercials.


BPAL snufflefest is tonight! yeaaaahhhh!

it is so true

i have to go to work tomorrow.

i am sad.

i failed to get tires. i tried dammit! i tried in multiple places.

i failed to get sears to admit that my battery needs to be replaced.

i failed to get to goodwill with a load of stuff.

however, i was highly successful at buying 4 tops at the gap for $30 (even my most gap-experienced friend was impressed by this), and at actually eating at pizza palace. pizza palace was nearly derailed by loud live restaurant jazz, but we stuck it out.

i also successfully watched the final veronica mars episode.

i guess i am sleepy, too. sleepy and sad.


friday night: party. people. lots. many bottles of wine brought. many bottles of booze consumed. “photographic evidence courtesy of ms. pants.”:

saturday, “l word”: marathon. party at “rick!s.”:

sunday. -chris- hank of “whig hill dispatch”: fame stands me a froufy coffee drink for my birthday. we discover startling similarities between the professions of history museum curator and user interface designer. later, dinner with the fam at five star, and decadent italian cream cake at home.

i hold this truth to be self-evident to almost everyone but me

today i went to the char grill for lunch.

it was rather sparsely populated.

there was a woman waiting for her food. she was wearing this awesome winter-white coat that fit her slender yet gently curved body like a glove. all of her clothes and grooming were impeccable; her hair was jet back and neatly coiffed; her face was pretty and discreetly made up, as if by a professional. i spent a lot of time admiring her outfit.

she looked a little impatient. they called her number and her order. a grilled chicken sandwich. she had a conversation with the cashier about getting some condiment on the side. she walked away quickly, as if she was nervous that the folks back at the office would be mad at her for being gone so long.

me, i was dressed in about five sweaters and a slumpy brown coat. as always, i was waiting on a big ole charburger and fries. and i was in no hurry at all.

this inspired an IM conversation with jason that went approximately like this:

me: say you are with two girls.

j: i’m totally with two girls.

me: one of them is pretty in the face, nicely dressed and groomed, slim, and kind of anxious and uptight.

me: the other is a little plainer, dressed a little frumpier, and is totally relaxed.

me: which one do you pick?

(ok, maybe i didn’t say pick.)

j: the second one. i’m so not into uptight.

me: see, i’m working this theory right now that being relaxed really helps you get laid.

j: well, duh. you didn’t know that?

me: i didn’t realize it until today. relaxed trumps a lot of things that women think are important, but aren’t.

social anxiety

so i don’t really know how people perceive my shyness level right now; i’m guessing the people who have known me longer may see me as more shy, in part because they’ve had more opportunity to see me have shyness moments or social anxiety freakouts, and in part because i probably was more shy in general when i met them. someone who has known me for about a month was telling me recently that he can’t believe i was once “painfully shy”… but it’s true. i was:

i remember once as a small child flying or taking the train somewhere with my mom. we couldn’t get seats next to each other– i had to sit across the aisle from her. it was all i could do to tolerate this situation. i think there were a lot of tears. i remember pressing myself against the side of the seat that was closest to her and furthest away from the strange man i was forced to sit next to. my poor mom… how she put up with this crap i don’t know, and to be sure she lost patience and told me not to be so clingy plenty of times.

obviously, i’m a lot better now, but it still crops up, often unexpectedly.

today i went to a party thrown by some friends in the neighborhood. at one time we were pretty tight, i even went to their wedding which was a weekend event at the beach. i managed to have a huge social anxiety freakout during the wedding and left a little early. i tried to hide it as much as possible, but with all the emotions flying around (i always find weddings to be very intense) and the guests being comprised of almost nothing but couples, i was feeling very alone and very much the squarest of square pegs.

i also realized during that weekend that although i _know_ a lot of the people that are in their social circle… i’m not really friends with any of them… and i didn’t manage to change that during the weekend. i know for some people it would have been a great social opportunity and they would have come away with a dozen new friends. i’m not some people. i couldn’t do it.

so today i went to this party and as soon as i walked in i knew it was gonna be kind of the same way. and there i was in my shell again. i left pretty early, feeling rude and bad about it. but why put myself through the torture?

i don’t like this side of myself, in fact i am ashamed of it. i don’t like that it’s often unexpected and that i can’t always defeat it. now admittedly, today i gave up without giving it much of a shot. when i really, really put my mind to it i can do a little better. but it can be a strain.

this is a weird fence to be sitting on

ok so i read the “nerve personals blogs”: a lot and a discussion of fuck buddies has broken out across a couple of the blogs and in the comments. it is definitely interesting to get a little insight into the minds of people when it comes to this kind of thing. i know people who can’t imagine having casual sex, and indeed not _all_ of them have had the luxury of being in relationships throughout most of their adult lives. a few of them figured out that it wasn’t going to work for them and pretty much stuck with it through hell or high water.

now oddly most of my sex partners have been casual but in all honesty, i do not really think i am a casual sex person. but i would like to be. gosh it would make things a lot easier, you know?

but i realized that i was shocked when one guy said that he has been sleeping with his FWBs (that’s Friend With Benefits for the uninitiated) since March. wow. there are actually two people in the world, somewhere (France, actually, though neither of them are French) who can pull something like that off for almost a year?

for a while last year i read this book of essays about Buffy and in one of them, discussing her brief relationship with yucky Parker (i can’t tell you how many Parkers i have encountered in my life) the writer comments that Buffy has the classic problem that all girls with absentee fathers have, which is that they cannot tell the difference between sex and intimacy.

so i guess the people who can pull off casual sex for extended periods are people who _can_ distinguish those two things… but is that entirely a good thing? can sex be any good without _any_ intimacy? how clear are the gender lines on these things?

but here is what i come back to time and again, which is that i wonder, if i have been dating for twenty years and have spent only three of those in actual relationships, perhaps i am not what is called a “relationship person”. perhaps if i were of the coupling inclanation i’d be coupled. but if i am not a couple person, i am kind of left with casual sex and no intimacy, right? and that doesn’t seem right. i mean, something makes me misreable when i’m single.

aw jeez. anyway, i am curious to hear what all of y’all have to say on this one.