crushes & boyfriends – college

in 1986, i was seventeen and left home to go to a small quaker college. my first or second day there, i met dbt. he was wearing a “wxyc”: t-shirt; i’d never met anyone before who listened to xyc unless i’d introduced them to the station. during high school, music was _everything,_ and xyc was my lifeline. seeing that shirt was enough to break me out of my usual painful shyness for a moment, and i started talking to him.

we became friends; he showed me his vw gti and then laid the smooch on me. a week or two later, he broke up with me in the nicest way possible. and then, most importantly, he encouraged me to become a dj, and trained me when i finally decided to.

and then college became a seemingly endless dry spell. i was even part of the “sexual desert walkers’ club”. i kid you not. this picture might serve to explain. ok, i was a little cuter before i shaved all my hair off.

the female members of the SDWC all lost their membership within the space of 24 hours. it was “serendipity”, the annual spring festival. i somehow hooked up with a swedish security guard. i tried to get him to speak swedish to me, which i discovered was quite sexy, but he didn’t seem to get it. in fact, he didn’t seem to be very comfortable with the whole situation. it didn’t go very far.

so for two years, that was it. i developed a bit of a complex over my lack of attractiveness, both physically and as a person. i decided that i must have a deep character flaw which prevented men from wanting to love me.

somewhere in the first semester of freshman year was james. oh my, this guy was some piece of work. he would lead me on, snuggle with me, tickle me, have deep provacative conversations with me… then tell me that he didn’t find me attractive. he claimed to be having an affair with his mother’s best friend. he said that they never kissed, because she didn’t want to fall in love with him. he’d tell me about how gorgeous my friend meg was, and what a crush he had on her. this guy was pretty much evil. didn’t do much for my confidence.

and i think in there somewhere was my one kiss with suk. i was home on a break, or something… we went to a movie with this girl who later stole a boyfriend away from me _while she was in spain,_ and suk and i were holding hands and touching each other’s arms all during the double feature (‘uforia’ and ‘repo man’ at the rialto). and then when i was dropping suk off at her house, and we were hugging goodbye, fiercely because she was going off to oberlin and our friendship was starting to end, she kisssed me, a big huge french kiss. and that was it, i think it was after that that she started to blow me off and i was angry at her and it was all bad. a couple of years later she told me that i was the only woman she’d been interested in in that way.

and then i dropped out of school, moved into a house with some of my college friends, and started working at a movie theater.

i developed a very interesting relationship with a security guard at a local car dealership. he worked nights; i’d pull all-night shifts at the radio station. he’d call me, bored, and we’d talk for hours while i was on the air. this guy was the only actual male nyphomaniac i’ve ever met (to my knowlege). he was really the real deal. he slept with every woman he met. he’d carried on with his best friend’s wife for years. ok, maybe he was full of crap, maybe he told me a bunch of lies.. but i believed him at the time, and looking back, i think i still do.

but hey, guess who he didn’t want to sleep with? there was one woman whose platonic friendship he valued so much that he didn’t want to ruin it with sex. i’ll give you one guess.

this did nothing to help my little complex.