peel the bandaid off slowly

last night i went out and read parts of “felinecrf.org.”:http://www.felinecrf.org it’s a great site and i’m happy to give her more google juice with this link, but it was also overwhelming and upsetting.

i don’t want either of the friends who sent me the url to feel bad about doing so, because ultimately the information on that site will allow me to better help him, and that’s what really matters.

a lot of feline detail to follow, probably not of interest to everyone, or possibly upsetting to some.


the “how bad is it?” page, for example, is probably meant to comfort most people (“see, it’s not that bad!”) but looking at the chart and seeing that, if the last test results were accurate, he’s probably lost 90% of his kidney function, was like a punch in the stomach.

i can go for days and just see how he’s doing, see that he keeps eating well and everything is kind of normal, and forget how dire the situation probably is, how close he probably is to the end stage.

a lot of the site is devoted to encouraging people to take heart, and that a cat can go for months or even years with the right treatments. but if cancer is the root cause of his health problems, then that’s probably not the case. i was asking my mom about anemia today, and she told me that after they discovered that her cat had cancer in addition to kidney failure, she just stopped taking her to the vet, did the sub-q fluids and otherwise let the illness take its course.

well, i don’t know if moses has cancer because i haven’t wanted to do an ultrasound, but maybe i should. but i still think i want to treat the anemia, and i wonder why we aren’t already, actually.

anyway, the domino effect of reading the “how bad is it” page and the “final hours” stuff was that i was really upset and couldn’t sleep last night. so i felt like hell all day, and couldn’t focus, and even started crying at work at one point.

i think one of the most frustrating things is not have any real data to know what the hell is going on. is the insulin dosage right? is the anemia bad enough to treat yet? is the weakness in his hind legs due to:

a) anemia, b) insulin overdose, or c) electrolyte imbalance?

all of which are completely plausible.

sigh.

and the beeping, the beeping, the beeping never ends!

i know i’m probably not being very coherent, between the lack of sleep and the beeping and the continuing feelings of anxiety and grief, i’m kind of a mess today.