the year of disappointment

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mid-november marks a year since i met neil, who is the last guy that i… uh… dated?

so here is a year full of guys, in review.

# 11/21/03 i write to “harveykindle”. he doesn’t write back.

# 12/7/03 i wrote to sil… we wrote a little, he called in one night to my radio show, but i felt frustrated that he didn’t seem to want to meet, and definitely didn’t seem to be interested in dating (anyone, not just me). i thought he was really hot from his picture and basically wanted to get in his pants. plus, he was pretty interesting. i gave up writing to him.

# 12/14/03 i write to “watery__hands”. he doesn’t write back.

# 12/17/03 i ignored a “wink” from “strongsensitive1” because he had basically no information in his profile.

# 12/18/03 i ignored a “wink” from jgo because i didn’t think he was very attractive, from his photo, and because some stuff in his profile rubbed me the wrong way.

# 1/2/04 i ignored a mail from “Humble_Genius”. now, i did think about writing to him. he’s nice looking in his photo and he expresses himself fairly well in writing… but he seemed arrogant. not just his handle (but i mean, come _on)_ but stuff he said in his profile and in his mail.

# 1/14/04 i “wink” at “devlishmind”. he doesn’t write back.

# 3/4/04 i ignored a “wink” from “Steveital” because he seemed incredibly, incredibly boring in his profile. actually– let me be more specific. he seemed _conservative_ in his profile. sweater vest, occupation: stockbroker, lives in Cary, Catholic… need i go on?

# 3/19/04 i wrote to “kubrickfilm” even though he lives up in Richmond and is a smoker. he seemed very arty, fascinating, and looked hot in his photo. he wrote back and said he’d noticed me, but didn’t write because he’s learned that it just doesn’t work with girls who don’t smoke. we exchanged a couple of emails and i had fantasies of going to visit him and fooling around despite the fact that it would never work. he abruptly stopped writing to me and disappeared from the personals. a few weeks later, he added me to his hotlist, using a different profile. then he disappeared again.

# 4/13/04 i get a message from “cheery_nihilist” entitled “your ambulatory opposite”. oh, indeed… a man without a car! he had no photo but sounded interesting so i wrote back. his next mail back to me, he enclosed a photo. he turned out to be someone i already knew through mutual friends– someone i’d actually taken a great dislike to in person. i consulted with a couple of the mutual friends– one of whom had known him for many years. both agreed that he is creepy and kind of a loser. i abruptly stopped writing to him. we saw each other soon after at a dinner party and neither of us acknowleged our online contact.

# 4/21/04 i get a message from “jellosalad”. he acknowleges that we have a mutual friend and that he contacted me once before on friendster. he’s witty and he sounds funny in his profile, and like we might have some stuff in common. however, i find his photos incredibly unattractive. it’s what stopped me from responding to him on friendster when he wrote me before. in one of his photos, he appears to be standing next to a “furry.”:http://www.vexen.co.uk/human/furry.html now, maybe he has no idea what a furry is and just thought it was amusing. but i wouldn’t have written to him anyway, and the furry thing just kind of nailed it.

# 4/28/04 i wink at “Nexus7”. he doesn’t write back.

# 5/10/04 and 5/28/04 i get messages from the same guy under two different names (“mendmyheart” and “NoKenDollHere”). i think he’s sent me other messages in the past, and quite a few winks. he’s way too young, for one thing, and he’s clearly got some severe emotional damage that i’m just not willing to go near.

# 5/11/04 i get a message from Josh. he’s odd looking but in a way that i find kind of hot (see, i’m not a total snob when it comes to looks… i just like what i like.) we write. he has no car. he seems like a very interesting guy who kind of sells himself short. roswell time rolls around, and i warn him that i’ll be unavailable for a while. when i get back, i never get around to writing to him. i’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

# 5/23/04 i get a message from scigeek. his photo is absolutely apalling and he has a teenage daughter, but he sounds like a really cool guy. i seriously think about writing to him but it’s roswell time and i never do. i still think about writing to him from time to time but i think the kid thing wigs me out.

# 6/27/04 i get a message from “shadowkeith” which reads like this: “I like Hollween it was my dads birthday.You sound nice. Write me sometime I will write back. Thank for reading this. My e-mail is [deleted].” he is 44 and lives in jacksonville. i don’t write back.

# sometime in june… i wind up fooling around with my friend dan at the end of our trip to roswell. he’s just as lonely as i am. we dated once; we are good friends, but know it won’t work between us. still, spending a week alone together brings stuff back.

# 7/11/04 i write to “gmxde” and he writes me back, but says he is about to go spend a year in germany. i keep meaning to write him back and don’t. he was hot and he sounded like a pretty interesting and cool guy.

# 7/12/04 i write to Simeon and he writes me back. we have a great little conversation. he works at duke, we have a mutual friend from the radio station, and he just bought a house in old west durham. he even drives a vw! he’s funny, i’m funny. he abruptly stops writing to me after about a week of this. i’m extremely disappointed and demoralized. he seemed promising.

# 7/28/04 i ignore a wink from “TonyFromNYC”. i don’t know, maybe i should have written back. i have to admit that the way he looked in his photo really put me off and that was, i think, the main reason i didn’t write.

# 8/6/04 i briefly have an overly racy headline on my profile and get an equally racy message from “g2inct” who looks to be looking for casual sex during travel to this area. i don’t write back.

# 8/24/04 i ignore a message from “idealistic_idealist”. he is 50, married, and wildly unattractive in his photo (white guy jerry curl).

# 9/5/04 i write to “I_see_the_future”. he doesn’t write back.

# 9/17/04 i write to “sixfeetofgeek” and he writes back, but essentially tells me just to find him on AIM. i see him online a few times but can’t quite bring myself to message him. i regret this; he seemed cool, but i resent being forced to use AIM to get to know someone. i hate getting to know people over AIM.

# 9/23/04 i write to “marmaladeboy” (known to some of you as mr. metaphor or miata boy) and he writes back. we enjoy a very entertaining correspondence and meet for lunch and coffee at his behest. we have a nice time and hang out for something like four hours. we email a little afterward but it’s starting to seem clear that he’s lost interest. i really haven’t heard much from him since we had lunch. i suppose there’s some small glimmer of hope but i’m trying to disengage myself from the idea right now. i really liked him, and this is very, very disappointing.

# 9/26/04 scooter boy winks at me. i decide to write him back. we’ve been corresponding ever since. he’s made no indication of wanting to meet… which makes me reluctant to suggest it. i found his blog and read it. there’s a woman that he mentions hanging out with regularly, including going away to the beach alone with her one weekend recently (since he and i started writing). it really does sound as if they’re dating. but i guess it must not be serious, if they are, since he’s still out there on the personals, logging in regularly. i will admit, i have some trouble getting my head around gray-area relationships like that. i’m enjoying the correspondence. i’d like to meet him but don’t really feel anxious about it.

jesus, that’s a lot of guys. this is wearing me out, but at the same time, this year i’ve let go of some of my insecurities about being attractive (both physically and as a person), and of some of my feelings that i just don’t _deserve_ to be with someone who i really love and am genuinely attracted to.

i feel less horror at rejection (not that i handle it well, still), less trepidation at the thought of making it clear to a guy what i want from him. more in charge of what is happening to me.

i also tend now to keep things to myself a little more. i’m bored with my own misery, and i’m sure my friends are too. so i’m giving it to you all at once. at least you don’t _have_ to read it.